Polyamory: Couple Edition

Hartney, E., 2020. What Is Polyamory?. [online] Verywell Mind. Available at: <https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-polyamorous-mean-21882> [Accessed 17 September 2020].

Family structures all look differently and it's interesting to see what people assume when they look at yours. From the outside, our family seems like a typical heterosexual, interracial couple with kids. This assumption though okay is far from wrong. Today I want to address polyamory from a couple perspective (later in another post we will address the aspect of kids).

We haven't been forthcoming about us. We drop memes and hints here and there. Most people don't realize until pride month that neither of us don't identify as heterosexual anymore and haven't for a while. My husband and I are actually both pansexual AND polyamorous. This revelation always gets us weird stares, judgements and the typical questions.

Everyone assumes because I married a man or he married a woman that we "picked a side", but this is far from true. Your sexuality is just that regardless of your partner. You don't magically stop being pansexual: From the few conversations I've had about it everyone always asks so what is pansexual? So, do you like girls and guys? The answer is yes and no. Pansexual is defined as a person who loves based on personality with regard to gender. I love you for you not what is or isn't in your pants and I could care less.

Honestly the way the world is changing so much with the way sexuality and gender are viewed the pansexual is easy to swallow especially because people can choose to ignore it due to the fact I'm in a seemingly "normal" heterosexual marriage. The hardest part for most people is the polyamory part.

Too often people view polyamory as an excuse to cheat or that our partner isn't enough. Now some people use it that way, BUT. ideally that's not correct and it isn't okay assumption to have for everyone who participates in ethical non monogamy. Like most relationships, Polyamory can also look a little different for everyone since there are so many configurations, but there are consistent facts that are the foundations to a healthy poly life.

So, let's break a few facts of the basics:

1 Polyamory is consensual and ethical.

Both partners consent to the polyamorous relationships whether they both participate in dating or not. There act of gaining consent is what gives polyamory the secondary name of ethical non monogamy. 

2 Being poly does not mean your marriage failed or your partner isn't enough.

In fact, on a personal note my partner is more than enough we often flex between having and not having partners both together and separate as we go through life. It is not a forced lifestyle, but something that comes naturally. We both have a lot of love to give and share not just with each other.

3 Polyamory is 100% built on trust and effective communication.

It's not there because someone wanted to cheat. For both of us, we felt we have a lot of love to give and valued giving it to more than one person if we chose too. It actually in fact strengthened our bond, trust, love and communication. Consistently you are checking in with all partners, making sure everyones needs are met. 

4 Polyamory isn't just about sex, but partnership. Don't confuse polyamory and swinging.

I am actual demisexual, which means I require an emotional connection to enjoy intercourse. My husband has no desire to just run his numbers up. We desire emotional connections with other humans and all that come with it NOT just sex.

Those are just a few basics that always come up when I actually tell people I am polyamorous. It's something that isn't main stream. (YET) Many polyamorous people keep to themselves and mind their business because of the judgements that come with it. Monogamy isn't for everyone BUT neither is polyamory.  It's time to break down the stigmas and let non monogamy have its rightful respectable place in the love world.